After several years of strained relations within my marriage, I think we may have a case of a controlling wife and passive-aggressive husband dynamic.
I am the primary breadwinner and have handle to finances and general running of the household. I know I can be an overbearing person as I like things a certain way and I tend to take charge, but, at the same time, I feel I am reasonable and have compromised a great deal in the course of the relationship.
It seems that my husband has subtle ways to sabotage our relationship and finances. For instance, we are on a budget. He will take money from our joint account and act like he thought we had extra money for him to gamble with. Other times he will evoke the silent treatment if I try to have a conversation that he perceives as unpleasant. If I try to talk to him about normal relationship and household matters it is impossible to come to a real solution as he will just agree and do nothing or go silent.
Lately, things have gotten much worse when I have expressed the likelihood that I do not want children. I have some medical issues that came about and brought the issue to the forefront. The medical issue was always something we both postponed for myriad reasons but seemed we would “eventually get to a better position” to do it. Granted, I did not disclose this early on in the relationship but it was because I was not sure about the condition until now.
He is not happy and saying we are not compatible about anything because of this medical issue. He is even now trying to blame me for the strained relationship he has with his adult daughters because “he sold his soul” to be with me. The bottom line is that he has resentment towards me, and, hence, the passive aggressive behaviour has escalated. He thinks he wants out of the relationship but he will not make the move. I admit, I am stubborn and will not make the move either. I do not feel I should be made to be uncomfortable (giving up the home) because he is acting out.
He refuses the counselling I have suggested. I have presented books and other tools we could use to improve the relationship and he resists. For my own sake, I am going on my own to a therapist.
I am not sure of how to get a handle on the situation or if the relationship can be saved? He has moved out of the bedroom and decidedly is giving me the silent treatment, again, for the umpteenth time. I am not sure if it is for present or past transgressions on my part as it is hard to keep count.
I haven’t talked to anyone about this as I am embarrassed and no one would believe me anyway because he is the quintessential “Mr. Nice guy.”
A- I am not very clear about your medical condition and your situation. Do you live in his house? Why would you want to be in a relationship where you are obviously not comfortable or respected or happy? Your partner seems to have his own children, has he expressed his desire to want more? As far as the financial part goes, you can always have your individual account. It is obvious that your relationship has broken down. It is your choice to get out with respect or continue with a compromise.