“There is a saying: ‘If you get on the wrong train, get off at the nearest station; the longer it takes you to get off, the more expensive the return trip will be.'” This metaphor aptly captures the importance of making timely decisions when we realize we are in the wrong relationship. Staying too long not only causes unnecessary emotional pain but also delays personal growth. Psychological theories, such as the sunk cost fallacy, attachment theory, and cognitive dissonance, offer valuable insights into why people struggle to leave toxic relationships and how they can navigate this process. Breaking up or getting a divorce is often seen negatively in many societies, where it is associated with failure. However, choosing to exit a toxic relationship can be a powerful step toward preserving mental health, ensuring personal growth, and creating the opportunity for a more peaceful, fulfilling life.
The Paradox of Toxic Attachments
Sometimes, individuals develop a strong attachment to toxic relationships, akin to Stockholm Syndrome, where captives develop positive feelings toward their captors. This psychological response can make it challenging to leave an abusive or unhealthy relationship, even when the opportunity for freedom arises. Recognizing this paradox is crucial for personal growth and mutual respect.
The Social Stigma of Divorce and Breakup
Divorce and breakups are often stigmatized in many cultures, viewed as failures or signs of weakness. This societal conditioning places immense pressure on individuals to stay in relationships, even when they are clearly unhealthy. Yet, this mindset fails to recognize the significant emotional, mental, and even physical harm that can result from remaining in toxic relationships. Breaking up or getting a divorce can be one of the healthiest decisions a person can make for their well-being.
The fear of judgment from family, friends, or society can often keep individuals stuck in toxic relationships. This fear can make one feel guilty for choosing personal happiness over social approval. However, understanding that a relationship’s primary purpose should be mutual growth, respect, and well-being helps individuals challenge societal norms and embrace the peace and autonomy that come from walking away. This fear is often exacerbated by societal pressures to stay in relationships for the sake of “norms” or the belief that choosing to end an unhealthy relationship or conflicting marriage is inherently negative, and that one can’t opt for a healthier relationship after being trapped in an unhealthy one.
Remaining in a wrong relationship for too long can have long-lasting negative effects. Just as staying too long on the wrong train makes the return trip even more costly, staying in an unhealthy relationship can result in long-term emotional scars. Divorce or a breakup, while initially difficult, can prevent years of unresolved conflicts, emotional neglect, and unhealthy dynamics.
The Cost of Staying in the Wrong Relationship
Richard Thaler’s concept of the sunk cost fallacy helps explain why individuals hesitate to leave unhealthy relationships. They feel they have already invested too much—whether in time, energy, or shared dreams—and hope to “make it work” to justify that investment. However, staying longer only makes the eventual “return trip” costlier. Recognizing this bias helps individuals focus on the future, rather than the past. Society often pressures individuals to stay in relationships despite their toxicity, labelling them as “self-sacrificing” or “unwaveringly committed.” The true cost of staying in such situations is far greater than the courage it takes to walk away.
Abraham Maslow’s hierarchy of needs further elaborates that staying in a toxic relationship prevents one from moving beyond the “love and belonging” level to higher needs like self-esteem and self-actualization. A healthy relationship fosters growth, while a wrong one stifles it. The societal pressure to view marriage or long-term partnerships as mandatory goals can limit personal fulfilment. Leaving a relationship provides space to focus on one’s own goals, passions, and well-being—priorities that society often undervalues.
The Courage to Exit Early
John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth’s attachment theory explains that individuals with an anxious attachment style may struggle particularly hard to leave unhealthy relationships due to a deep-seated fear of being alone or abandoned. This fear is often exacerbated by societal pressures to stay in relationships for the sake of “norms” or the belief that choosing to end an unhealthy relationship or conflicting marriage is inherently negative, and that one can’t opt for a healthier relationship after being trapped in an unhealthy one. Breaking free from unhealthy attachments, however, leads to a deeper understanding of one’s emotional needs and the ability to form healthier future connections.
Leon Festinger’s theory of cognitive dissonance offers another valuable perspective. When someone’s actions—such as staying in a toxic relationship—conflict with their beliefs, like deserving happiness and respect, it creates inner discomfort. The sooner they align their actions with their values, the more at peace they’ll feel. Society’s tendency to view divorce or breakups as failure intensifies this dissonance, leaving individuals torn between their desires for happiness and external pressures. Acknowledging that it’s better to walk away for emotional and mental health allows them to resolve this dissonance and move toward a more fulfilling life.
Exiting with Dignity
Eric Berne’s transactional analysis helps us understand that toxic relationships often feature unhealthy dynamics, where one partner plays the role of the controlling “Parent” while the other takes on the submissive “Child.” Exiting such dynamics with dignity means stepping out of these roles and asserting independence. Breaking up doesn’t have to be chaotic or painful; it can be an empowering process that allows individuals to reclaim their autonomy and rebuild their lives in a healthier way.
Clear communication and respect are essential in exiting a relationship with dignity. Ending a relationship doesn’t have to be messy or hostile. Approaching the situation with honesty, empathy, and respect ensures that both parties can move forward with their dignity intact. Divorce, particularly, is often viewed through a lens of stigma and failure. However, when approached with maturity and understanding, it can become an opportunity to set healthy boundaries and seek peace, both for oneself and the other person involved.
Learning and Moving Forward
Reflecting on psychological patterns after a breakup offers a chance for self-reflection and personal growth. Recognizing attachment issues, such as avoiding the sunk cost fallacy in future relationships, helps individuals learn about their emotional needs, boundaries, and desires.
Embracing growth after a toxic relationship is key. Each relationship teaches something valuable—whether it’s about personal resilience, communication, or self-worth. The decision to leave is not about giving up; it’s about embracing personal growth and making space for better opportunities, both in relationships and in life.
Conclusion
The wisdom of the saying lies in its simplicity: recognize mistakes early and act promptly to correct them. By understanding the psychological barriers that hold us back and addressing them with courage and self-awareness, we can leave wrong relationships with dignity and focus on building a happier, healthier future. Divorce or breaking up is not a failure but a step toward liberation, growth, and eventual peace.
Archana Sharma
Consultant Psychologist & Psychotherapist
+91-9713022140
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